Every feeling is fleeting: What I learned from DBT, from someone with BPD

When I first was introduced to DBT, I was underwhelmed. It's nothing new. A lot of it is common sense. Take care of yourself. Breathe. Be kind to others.

And yet I wasn't actually living a lot of it.

I recognized that the key was in practicing these skills, and recognizing them as skills, in the moments that didn't matter first. That was the only way to make sure they would be accessible when I needed them.

What BPD actually feels like

Having BPD for me is questioning if I really have it, or ever had it, or if I'm just faking it, looking for attention, trying to put a label on something that is just me being a bad person.

It's that and it's also questioning if I have it because I feel so good and normal and everything is fine and I am a very good person who has a strong sense of self.

It's also hours later questioning absolutely everything and doubting all of that.

That instability is exhausting. And it's exactly what DBT was designed for.

The skill that's changed things for me lately

DBT has four modules: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Lately, mindfulness has been the one I keep coming back to.

Not mindfulness in a "sit quietly and meditate" way, I mean the ability to actually be in the present moment. To be aware of it while it's happening. Especially the good moments.

I'm a lot more mindful when I'm happy now. I notice it. I name it. Even when those moments are fleeting. Even when, if I look back on them later, they somehow feel fake or unreal, I was there for them when they were happening. That matters.

What DBT gives me

DBT reminds me that every feeling is fleeting. So when I start to have a day that is low, it doesn't have to stay that way.

DBT reminds me that I have a choice in how I respond. It gives me practical, step-by-step ways to problem solve, to weigh pros and cons, to get through a moment when getting through is all I can do. There are distress tolerance skills specifically designed to help you survive a crisis without making things worse.

DBT reminds me I have the tools to build a life worth living. Even if I don't enjoy living it right now.

And some days, that's enough.