A season of depression with BPD

Depression sticks with you when you start to feel trapped, like there's no way out of the situation you're in. When leaving the house costs a minimum of fifty dollars for doggy daycare you don't have, you're trapped. That's where I've been for the last year and a half.

I was looking for work. My savings were disappearing and my debt was climbing. I couldn't leave the house without my dog, and she has separation anxiety so severe she can't be left alone, even for five minutes. So most days, I just didn't leave.

I'm not someone who shies away from a challenge. I like doing hard things. But when you can't see any movement, any sign that things are getting better, it gets bleak fast. Part of that was my BPD talking, the all-or-nothing thinking that told me nothing was changing, even when, in reality, something always was. It's just hard to see progress when you're standing inside it.

The BPD showed up in my relationships too. Almost all of my friendships suffered this year. Some ended completely, and heartbreakingly. I lost one friend specifically because my unemployment and my dog were, in her words, too much for her.

The sadness itself had a weight to it. Not a metaphor, an actual heaviness in my body that felt impossible to carry. Pain and hurt and despair, all wrapped into one thick feeling sitting in my gut, and pressing down on my shoulders like something was holding me in place.

I know it's hard. I'm sorry.

My therapist told me something early on that I didn't want to hear at the time: it's not about the outcome. We can't control that. It's about the effort we're putting in.

That effort was exhausting. I'd have to convince myself it was still worth living, and then try to convince someone else to hire me. Both of those took everything I had.

You are doing so good. I see you.

I did get a job, for about three months, before I was laid off. That's the thing about ebbs and flows, you can do everything right and still lose it to something outside your control. I didn't get a say in the layoff. I only got a say in what I did next.

So I kept doing what I could. On the good days, that looked like doing the dishes and going outside. Most days weren't good days. But I kept making connections anyway. I kept pushing toward my values and the things I actually care about. I stayed curious, stayed open to new things, even when I didn't feel like it. Every opportunity that came my way, I held it up against what actually mattered to me, and if it lined up, I moved forward. If it didn't, I let it go.

I also kept practicing my DBT skills, Building Mastery especially. Doing small things well, on purpose, gave me a kind of confidence unemployment kept trying to take away.

It's not about the outcome. We can't control that. It's about the effort we're putting in.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. I have more work opportunities coming. I booked a speed dating night, just for fun. I reached out to a friend I hadn't talked to in a while.

None of it happened because of a single turning point. There wasn't one. It happened because I kept going, even on the days I didn't want to.

If you're in it right now, in the trapped, heavy, can't-see-a-way-out part, I want you to know: you can get out too. Life ebbs and flows around us, whether we're ready for it or not. Keep putting in the effort. The outcome will come.